JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
