He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
