I'm lost and stupid without you.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize