I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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