Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
