gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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