A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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