I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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