i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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