somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
