Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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