God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
