my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
