at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
