She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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