I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
