I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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