Your face is a jimmy john
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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