I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
