I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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