Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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