you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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