accomplished twins. life is a go
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
