just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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