Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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