Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize