Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
now i know why i became what i already was.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
