so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
