I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
