Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
