Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
