I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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