i was born a porn star she said
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
