Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
