my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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