Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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