here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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