Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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