I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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