I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize