don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
