I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
