Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
