also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
