it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
