my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
