I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize