Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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