I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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