I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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