okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize