Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
