Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
