I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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