I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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