I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
