oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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