dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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