I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
