So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
