Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
