Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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