I'm pants shitting drunk right now
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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