Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
