i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
