what day is it and did you see me today?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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