don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I want you more than these girls want KFC
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
